liftingbelly

So basically everything is piling into this next week here. Trying my best to keep my head above water, but it's becoming increasingly difficult.

The worst part is it's happening AGAIN. I become swamped with work and school and responsibilities; and suddenly everyone is convinced I no longer like them or want to be around them. I don't understand why I cant just seem to convey that I honestly can't find time, and when I have time, I am generally just trying to collect my thoughts and gain energy for the next bout of garbage to come.

I feel like I am letting people down and that I am just a bad friend. But at the same time, many purposefully pressure and guilt the hell out of me. Which only works me up, upsets me, and makes it that much harder; because then I have this new RESPONSIBILITY, of hanging out with them. It no longer can be a fun event anymore, because I am trying to prove my feelings and cares for them, rather than just enjoy their company.

Maybe I need to just go live under a rock. Then I won't piss anyone off.

GSA things are going swimmingly. The Aids testing is looking like it will be a success, I just need to get the word out, and hope Tom can talk to Amy about the shirts and get them justified. In the mean time, we'll flier the hell out of campus.

Trying not to let these different parts of my life overtake my life. Its getting a bit overwhelming, but now that the Aids event is PLANNED, I am going to hopefully force the members to flier, so I can get some studying done for the plethora of papers and projects due next week and the week after. Thanksgiving will be a busy weekend, but should be relaxing in its own way.

Sara is going through a very hard time, and I am trying my best to be there for her. But she needs to understand that I cannot give my entire life over, no matter how much she needs someone. I love her to death, and she is like a sister at times. But I cannot be needed. Not like that. Not at this point in my life, where everything is a struggle to keep up.
I still need to go to the hospital and see her mother.

Off to work, FINALLY got my raise, starting today I make 8% more. We'll see how long that keeps me there. I am hoping to get a 2nd job this summer, and quit the one I hate more at the end of summer. :P

Sitting in the St. Louis airport, I have another hour and a half before we take off.  This is going to be painful.  At least a lot of attractive people are arriving at my gate.  I think theyre coming from.. Houston?  Lolz.

Feel kind of better just being out of Michigan this long.  Though sadly I am very aware that I have a paper due the monday I get back, not to mention a presentation to put together.  Hopefully my partner will want to give no input, I honestly would be much happier just doing the whole thing in a night on powerpoint, puttin some music to it, and givin her the damn queu cards.  She wants to do it on health care reform and Obama.  Honestly I don't really think that she can relate it to anything we have done in class, without it looking sort of off topic and pointless.

Personally I am trying to link it to the Power of Context article we read in class.  Basically it stated that small crimes such as graffiti and toll beating on the New York express trains were the cause of larger crimes such as robbery and murder.  The small crimes lead to the larger, as people notice no one cares, so no one is looking.  It argued we give too much credit to personality and individuality and not enough credit to the circumstances and environment we are in.  I kind of liked it, though I guess I just am pessemistic about the whole "individuality" concept in big cities.  (Or little towns.  OR IN CHINA. OH NOES)

Jeremy went to the doctor, he is healthy, but underweight.  Go figure.  I am hoping his next step is his therapist, I really hope he can get past this; hes gotten past harder struggles.  I don't really know what is going on with us,  I just care a lot about him and his wellbeing.  Kimberly tells me he has that effect on me people; my guess is because he really is trying to be a better person.  And he succeeds sometimes, but then he launches right back into childish mannerisms and hurts people.  I've put myself in a position to get hurt by him, but I am aware enough of it that I will throw it right back if he deliberately does try to hurt me.  What an odd relationship, ne?

Marcus and Amber are saving up for the big move.  Amber is slightly hesitant, but I think that it is just because it is a giant change for her.  And all of us really, but I think that it would do her a world of good to live on her own.  And NOT move straight from parents to Mike.  The shock of it might be too much, better we all live with roommates, and learn how to live with others, and learn how to live with ourSELVES.  We could all do some more growing up.

Been contacting the Wayne Health Dept about putting together our free HIV testing in the library, though it isn't looking good, with H1N1 taking so much of their focus.  Since its so ~*Dangerous*~.  Anyways, next step is to talk with Affirmations, or just throw a fit on the phone with Nnenna.  I am glad to be surrounded by supportive people who don't allow me to get discouraged when I am late on something, or something doesn't pan out for the org.  Corey has been very supportive, and Andrew even said, whenever it happens it happens.  Kendall and I have been talking more lately, she makes me very happy.  I kind of feel like we have a lot in common, and generally see the irony, the humor, and the irritation in the same people/topics/situations.  Her music taste is awesome.  Prolly one of the few of my friends I could stand to let choose the music in my car. :P  We looked at pastries and food on this cooking site she uses,  and it was all so pretty.  We were v v hungry. D:  That was at the GSA social night.  I got kind of in a really bad mood after it was over, for absolutely no reason.  Everyone had a good time, I think I was just tired and frustrated.  It is a VERY long Tuesday. 

Scheduled for next semester.  It looks a bit more relaxed.  Monday class at 6:10-9, Fullish Tuesdays again, Wednesdays and Thursdays im done by 2.  Ill have to be late for discussions, but I needed the course.  I am taking 15 credits.  Normally i only take the 12, but one of the classes is music theory, which is more for rec purposes.  I know music, I can read sheet music, just not quickly.  I have a feeling that it will be VERY easy due to background knowledge, but useful at the same time. 
Taking the poli sci tutorial with--- Oh jesus.  My journal randomly submitted, but I thought it was going back a page, I thought I lost it all. lmao.-- Shelby Clark <3  I think between the two of us, we will have a blast and learn ALOT.  I just need to keep up with the readings. 
I think Mike will be in the class too, which will be nice.  It's a shame about his current position.  But even if nothing pans out, we can still be good friends. 

Filled out the paperwork for the raise last night, it should be in effect by my next shift.  I am pretty happy about it, especially since it seems like regardless of how hard I try, I end up spending about a paychecks worth every 2 weeks.  I am going to start just depositing the check, withdrawing about 75, and only allowing myself that. Haha.  I suppose it isnt a big deal if I do spend, I just wish I was saving for when I actually will need this money.  So no more clothes, no more one world market trips, no more eating out, (That means you Marcus.  Well.  We can still go, but im limiting myself.  D:)

Alaina says that the Omaha airport is going to scare the shit out of me, a blast from the 40's/50's.  I picture myself coming off the plane off one of those portable stairs they used to use, in classic 50's garb, all in black and white.  I don't see what the problem is with that. 



I should have brought a pillow as my carry on bag. 
 

bbq michigan. D: